Psych: Oh Holy Psych
by Revieweverything100
Summary: When the minister of Gus' church is murdered, Detective Juliet O'Hara makes sure to put Shawn and Gus on the case. But when Shawn's comfort zone gets pushed the longer he's in church, the murderer might just get away.


O' Holy Psych

1988

I was at the bowling alley with my best friend Gus.

I let him win.

It was all part of the plan.

"Good game Gus, how 'bout we play again, this time with five bucks on the line?" I asked.

"Umm, I don't know..." Gus said.

"Ah, come on Gus, you beat me once, you can beat me again."

"Well alright."

I trashed him.

"Hey!" Gus yelled. "You husseled me!"

"I did nothing of the sort!" I told him, I was quite a liar in my younger days.

Just then my dad walked in.

"Shawn." He said. "I certainly hope I didn't here what I think I heard."

"Umm." I needed an excuse. "I was teaching Gus the art of swindling so that Gus wouldn't end up being screwed later in life."

"First of all, you need to give Gus his money back, second of all. I'm going to do the same kind of punishment that Gus' parents do." My told me.

"No." I pleaded.

"Yes."

Not church punishment!"

2010

It was a cool, October day in my hometown of Santa Barbara, California; Gus and I were riding in style. Or well with as much style as we could muster in Gus' blue Echo. We had ACDC's "Highway to Hell" blaring from the speakers with the windows rolled down, right as we pulled up next to two girls at a stop light.

"Hey!" Gus yelled. "How's it going hot stuff?"

"Gus, please don't." I said.

"Shut up freak!" one of the girls yelled as they sped off.

"And that's why we don't have dates, Gus."

"I tried…" Gus said weakly.

"I believe it was Yoda who once said 'Don't try, just do'" I said.

"Whatever." Gus replied

Just then his phone rang.

"It's Jules." He said.

"Psych homicide investigators, this is Burton Guster, how may I help you?"

I don't know why he insists on doing that, I mean, he knows who's on the phone, why add the other crap?

"Oh no." He said.

"What?" I asked.

"We'll be right there." He said as he hung up the phone.

"The minister at my church was shot and killed today; Jules and Lassie took the body to the morgue, they want us to investigate around the church."

"Alright then." I said, realizing we were still at the light, which was now green, horns honking. "But you might want to actually go somewhere."

We walked into the church.

"If I eat a Hot Pocket in church." I said "Does that make it a God Pocket?"

Gus just shook his head.

"How did you start going here anyway?" I asked.

"My parents made me come here or pray for forgivness everytime you and I did something wrong as kids." He told me.

"Everytime?"

"Yes Shawn, everytime."

"When we hotwired my dad's car when we were eleven?"

"Yes."

"What about when we gyped the old lady at Safe-Way to give us all those cookies because they were 'defective'."

"Yep."

"Wow, you lead a sad life."

Gus ignored my comment as we walked into the secretary's office.

"We'll have to see if the Administrative pastor's busy." Gus said.

"Just follow my lead." I said.

The secretary's name was Janice. She looked to be in her fifties or sixties.

"Excuse me, Janice," I said "My name is Jesus Sonagod. That's Ya-zoos, not Jesus. This here is my partner Dave Goliath."

"Ha-Haw!" Janice laughed, but it sounded a lot more like a bird.

"The other detectives told me you guys would be coming. Follow me Mister Spencer, Pastor Bernard's down stairs."

I let her walk a little ahead of us.

"Sweet mother of god, that women's half-bird." I said quietly to Gus.

"You shouldn't say that." Gus replied.

"What? She is."

"No not that, the bird things quite obvious, I mean you shouldn't say God like that in church."

"So sorry, Billy Graham. " I said.

"Here he is fellows." Janice said motioning to an older man."

The administrative pastor appeared to be in his seventies.

"Gus, it's great to see you, can I help you with something?" The pastor said.

"Well, Pastor Bernard, we were wondering if you knew anything about the murder of the senior pastor." Gus said.

"Oh, well yes, all I know is he was on his way to his car, and then we heard gun shots." Bernard said.

"You don't seem very upset about it." I said.

"I'll be honest, we didn't get along, and so I'm not dying inside." He replied.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a job to do." Bernard said as he walked off.

"This place is messed up." I said.

"Why?" Gus asked.

"Because, no one gives a damn this guy's dead."

"Don't swear in church." Gus reprimanded.

"I'll swear wherever the hell I want to." I told him.

"You really don't care about what anyone feels or believes do you?"

"Damn straight." I said as we walked back towards the minister, it was then that I saw gun powder on the breast of his jacket.

Then I remembered that Janice had black dust on her blouse, meaning one thing. They hugged.

"Call Jules and Lassie." I said to Gus.

"Why?" He asked.

"Just do it."

We walked over to Bernard.

"Yes." He said impatiently.

"You're having an affair with Janice, the senior pastor found out, threatened to expose you and you killed him." I said, Gus looked shocked, but Bernard just ran, or well sort of, I mean I imagine he's in his eighties so he kind of shuffled, but you get the point.

"Stop!" I yelled, "I'm placing you under citizen's arrest!"

I ran after him, I didn't have to run that fast to catch him, because of his shuffling. I grabbed and held him.

"Go stop Janice!" I yelled to Gus.

"I'm on it." Gus said.

I'm not sure what happened, but I heard her scream, then I heard Gus scream, then a bump, and then Gus came tumbling down the stairs.

"That woman's no bird," Gus said "She's a pro wrestler!"

Then Janice ran down the stairs carrying an umbrella, shouting. Right then a gun shot went off and Jules and Lassie stepped in.

"Hands up!" Lassiter yelled. "You two are under arrest for murder."

"So you did call them." I said to Gus.

"No I didn't." he replied.

"Then how'd they know?" I asked

"Their fingerprints were on the body; we reviewed some financial records and found out that they were having an affair." Juliet said.

"Oh," I said "So we did all this stuff for nothing?" I asked.

"Pretty much." Gus said.

"Of course." I said.

Later that day I was sitting outside the Psych offices when Gus came up to me.

"I figured it out." Gus said.

"Huh?" I asked."

"I know why you hate religion." He replied.

"I never said I hate religion."

"It's pretty obvious."

"It is?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah, and the reason for that is you're scared. You're scared of losing control; God scares you because He is the ultimate authority and you have always hated authority."

"Maybe…" I said sheepishly.

"But He won't, because He loves you." Gus said.

"Can we not talk about this right now?" I asked.

"Just think about." Gus said.

And so I did.


End file.
